never the same....

And so college will never be the same for me again.  My father passed away sunday evening after a five month battle with cancer.  He was the most gentle wise man that I know.  Some one that I hope I can be just a tiny bit like.  I hope I can take his love for gaining knowledge and apply it here in the college level  I hope that I can make him proud.
I thought that I was going back to school for myself, and I am but I feel like I have more conviction now, I am doing it to make him proud.  I hope he is proud.  I hope that some day I will be wise like my father but until then I will work on being smart.

Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow

Yesterday-was my Dad's last day of radiation.  He continues to lose weight and is very weak.  I spent the day driving him to appointments.  I didn't have to do any school work.  It is in between teamsters.
Today-I visited my Mom and Dad.  His stomach hurts so bad from radiation he doesn't want to eat.  I checked my dashboard.  I am assigned to my classes.  Book of Mormon 2 and Math 100.  I can do this.
Tomorrow-Who knows what it will bring with my Dad.  Hopefully a bit better.  With school, classes will be live at 11 p.m.
Here we go.  I got this.

Done

Done. Done. Done.
I just completed finals week and my father was in the hospital for the week with blood clots in his lungs and legs for the entire week.  I am not sure how I accomplished  what I did accomplish with the stress of everything going on in our family.  But I got a 99 in both of my classes, never turned in anything late and still helped my parents as much as I wanted to.
I know that I had help.  Help from a husband who loves me and would bring me diner at the computer while I was doing homework.  He would empty the dishwasher or do the laundry.  All things I have done for years.  All while he balances his job and responsibilities as bishop of the YSA ward.  When I would say why are you helping me so much?  He would just tell me that I did it for him.
I am blessed to have him supporting me.
I had help from a loving Heavenly Father that is giving me that confidence that I have lacked my entire life to be able to say that I am a student.  This is huge for me.
And so for now, for the next two weeks, I am done with school.  I completed my first semester and not only that but I have been able to support my parents as my dad has been diagnosed with cancer and has been receiving treatment.
Until January 3 when I start again....

What If...

When I was a teenager we had these plays in our youth groups called road shows and one year the theme was What If.  One group did---What if there was no velcro.  I don't know, what if there was no velcro, kids could actually know how to tie their shoes, maybe.
My what if tonight is in the form of a calculator.  On my grading page....what if I keep pulling the grades I have been getting do I have to take the final and if so how many points do I need to get to get an A?  These are real problems in life.  The world could get along without velcro, I don't think I could get along without the what if calculator!

rhythm

So everyone has told me from before I started school on-line that there would be a rhythm.  I hated them for saying that.  I could not find a rhythm.  All I found was stress and hours and hours at the computer.  Actually hours at the computer, some at the laptop and then lots of reading.  I was cursing people for talking about rhythm.  I wanted to tell them that this white girl has no rhythm.  For real.  Last spring I took my daughter to a concert for her 23rd birthday and I was standing up dancing (like everyone else) and my daughter, as nice as she could, told me to sit down.  I had no rhythm.  
Well I think at week 10 of a 12 week semester I have found my rhythm.  I know how to get things done and how it all works.  
Rhythm is good and I just hope I don't lose it during the semester break. 

Chemo eve

Well, yes I go to college, on line, but this morning it is lucky that I am still going.  You see, today my father is starting chemo and radiation for esophagus cancer.  Chemo every week and radiation every day. (which ends about when the semester ends)  He will need to be driven to appointments and I get to drive him to about 60-70% of his appointments.  I say get to because I think it is a privilege.  But yesterday, the eve of it all, it was too much.  I lost it.  I was crying, sitting at my desk doing homework.  I called my husband, crying.  I texed my friend who is high up there somewhere in the ladder of BYU-I on-line and said that I was going to quit school.  His response was, "that's dumb".  He came over and was basically my cheerleader and told me how dumb it was for an A student to quit.  Showed me there was a calculator that could figure out my grade if I didn't turn in assignments called a "what-if" calculator.  (who knew?!)
And then there is my sweet husband who told me the things I needed to hear.  Who hugged me and listened to me and who continues to support me.
So yesterday on the eve of my dad's chemo and radiation start date, I didn't make dinner, I didn't clean the house, I didn't get very much homework done but I didn't quit college either!

Two points are worth it in basket ball...

So, I guess you could say I am in the thick of things and I seem to be having to fight for two points here and two points there, more than I would like.  You didn't turn this in, it's right here.  You didn't quote a prophet, isn't the Quorm of the twelve considered prophets?  It all seems nit picky and like I am 17...again.
I am not sure I have it in me to fight for two points so much.  Sigh....